The call was from my ob-gyn. He had no doubt taken up the task because I had been his patient for at least a decade. So many times he had delivered good news after perfunctory mammograms. I have no family history, nor particular reasons why I should have been at risk. So hearing "It is breast cancer" was one of the last things I could think of. Like many people who had the same experience know, the ground I was standing on seemed to open and swallow me whole. A hot and cold current rose to my head and I just uttered the obvious: "Are you sure?". Obviously he was. I asked for more information but I only heard "treatable". I just remember as a fast forward all the thoughts about my mortality, how would I tell my parents, my husband's face next to me. Crying and feeling utterly lost. Calling my mother and telling her, and hearing her encouraging words. She has always been a beacon of strength and character. Finishing the e-mail to my friend that I interrupted to receive The Call, with the news. But then, stronger than anything, a thought pushed aside any other: "What can I do? How do I take action?" It was then that I knew: I would fight. I would turn towards Life and never stop walking. I would refuse dark thoughts and depression. I would do anything necessary and more to save my life.
Five days later I was on the operating table. The operation was a breeze. My PET scan came out clean - and that was the best news ever since The Call. I overcame a breast infection that slightly delayed the start of therapy, neutropenic fever from C-Diff, which led to hospitalization in the first stages of chemo, and mistreatment from a nurse that obviously has chosen the wrong career. Those were probably the hardest moments of my entire life, but I got through them. I had previously shaved my head, and to this day I don't give a damn about my hair. It's more people's problem than my problem, staring and all - my hair has never been anything to write home about and it's obviously less important than my health. I denounced the nurse to the hospital CEO's office. I got a call back and that made me feel more at peace with the system.
It's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I started psychotherapy with difficulty, as I never liked it and have a lot of cultural stigma attached to it. After a shaky start, I was truly grateful for it. I made changes in my diet. I threw away a boatload of products containing parabens, and educated myself on the subject.
I understood and discovered a whole world that had been disguised as the death waiting room for so long. It's anything but. It's a place teeming with life. The therapists, staff, and patients at the Cancer Center are great people with energy to spare, living their lives and making you understand that cancer does not equal death at all these days and that you are in treatment, not just sick. Then everything became easier. I have been working the whole time, save for the odd slow days. I feel good and normal. The second phase of chemo is easier and I practically have no side effects. I have learned to live with immediate and close goals, if any, and making the present The Time like No Other.
I thank the Universe everyday for my husband's change of insurance provider shortly before The Call. I have been very, very lucky. Diagnosed on time, being able to pay for my therapy, feeling well 5 months later.
I chose Pallas Athena as my mentor and adviser from the day of the Call. Intelligence, clarity, wisdom and light are along my way. All the time.
